I care more and I care less, I matter and I don’t matter.
As we head into this holiday weekend and moving towards the year end, I am pondering on fulfillment vs achievement. These two words have been floating around me for a couple years now. I know that I inspire people and help them shift the foundational pieces of their life so they can be fulfilled but I wasn’t sure how achievement fit into my exploration.
This year, I actually did the practices daily that I recommend to others and know to work. I actually did them everyday. That was key. Consistently and persistently I paid attention to myself, my limitations, my underlying commitments, to what I really want, to what I think and do, and I often asked “who am I?”.
What came was a barrage of insightful messages day after day, month after month. I realized they were previously all covered up and layered over by my mind´s desire to achieve. For me it wasn´t the typical American dream of achievement, it was to achieve a life full of experiences and had very little to do with material goods or financial standing.
And I was doing damn good until a few years ago when I realized what was happening – that my experience seeking had evolved into another form of achievement and I wasn’t as fulfilled. So as an experiment, I switched gears and started aiming for the modern day American dream – excess financial security.
But as I long suspected (but needed to experience myself) it was just the same energy. The need to achieve, outside of myself. The confirmation that it or I would never be enough.
We are taught to achieve and that will lead to fulfillment. While I´ve always known that was not true, I had to “experience” it since that is my way. I´m curious and I experiment.
Achievement is a creation of the mind. It is a contrived thing – “once I achieve this thing then I will feel that.” The problem isn’t with the achievement itself, it is with the idea that something outside of me will make me feel full, enough, valued, loved, at ease. I say problem because it doesn’t work. It´s like taking a drug, enjoying the high but always coming down and needing not only more but at a higher dosage. Unfortunately as I look around, most people here in the west will be on that treadmill for most of their lives.
So back to the realization from my practices. The two that are still so interesting to me are: “I care more and I care less, I matter and I don’t matter.” As I committed to going inwards, I got more connected with that seed of myself – my real self. I started to care more than I have ever cared about strangers and the world, yet I am less attached to what happens. I realized I matter a lot to the people who resonate with me in the right moment yet I really don´t matter at all. And these two things are fantastic. I feel more free and more unencumbered.
When I connect with myself, there is no duality. No right and wrong, good and bad. I don’t waste my energy assessing the world. It just is. And so I can feel love, ease, intimacy, etc because I let go of my judgements and demands that I achieve something to matter. Or that I need achieve something to be important. Or to be enough. Or to leave a print on the world.
Because all of that is judgement, and judgement doesn’t align with fulfillment as a state of being.
I stop wasting energy trying to become something because what is true is that I already AM that which I was wasting energy seeking. Without all the bullshit mind trips, I see that I am love, I am kind, I am enough, I am ….
And so everything got easier. And joyful. And playful.
As I continually shift the foundation of who I am being, everything radiates out from that. The results I see in relationships, business, and most importantly my spiritual experience of life are all continually expanding. It´s all so much more fun! There is no arrival point, I am simply two feet in THE ongoing experience of feeling more and being more engaged in life.
Have a beautiful holiday weekend,